In Spite of Self Doubt

On creating to remember who we are.

The Forgetting

I have a sneaking suspicion that artists feel self doubt more frequently and often with more anguish than others. There is something about creativity that brings us closer to a spiritual state, which leaves us raw and vulnerable to intensely human emotions.

I think this is because we are living in a world that is made to take us further away from this creative, spiritual state. We know instinctively that we are not made to live like this, and yet we constantly forget. This forgetting is the reason creating can feel so difficult for us.

But what if we could take hold of our own self doubt, and perhaps use it to our advantage? Of course, there is no getting rid of it. But there are lessons in everything, if we’re open and willing to see them.

“And if I forget how many times I have been here, and in how many shapes, this forgetting is the necessary interval of darkness between every pulsation of light. I return in every baby born.” — Alan Watts

External Triggers

One of my self doubt triggers is when someone close to me is projecting their fears and limiting beliefs about money, security, and having a “real” job. I am getting better at not letting it affect me quite as much, but I admit I do tend to go into a mini spiral of self doubt.

(It is helpful to name what is happening, and let myself feel it for a bit).

In the following days, my goal is to build myself back up to the belief that what I’m creating is worth creating. This is a pattern that I am noticing. It is this forgetting, triggered by external forces I cannot control, that disrupts my connection to my creativity, or my higher self, or the universe, or god.

The disruptions will happen. The doubt will happen.

The intention is to lessen the duration of that disruption. But how can we shorten the path to remembering who we are and what we came here to do?

Mental Muscle Memory

I don’t think this is a very scientific term, but there is something to be said about our memories, habits, and the neurological process that happens when we are triggered by something.

My tendency (and maybe yours, too) is to “protect” myself by slowing down my actions or even stopping all together. But of course, this is not protecting me. It is my ego trying to keep me safe by keeping me stagnant.

How do we rewrite our reaction to these triggers? I believe the answer lies in building up conviction in who we are, what we create, and our belief in the path we’re on.

You are the only one who truly knows your worth, and the worth of your work. You are the only one who can believe in it fully, so why would you let someone who doesn’t understand take that away from you?

The power is in your hands to keep that conviction strong, no matter what the circumstances are.

This requires practice. Unfortunately, most of us cannot simply decide to have conviction and be cured of self doubt. But it does start with that decision, and the skill of having enough self awareness to know when we’re beginning the self doubt thought-spiral.

Keep Going In Spite

And sometimes we must simply keep going, even if we aren’t sure if we’re good, or if what we’re making is going to be as monumental as we hope.

Sometimes the doubt is going to be there in our minds regardless of how much we practice our conviction.

This, I suppose, is the plight of an artist. The conviction to keep going in spite of our own mind telling us not to.

And once we figure out a way to consistently set aside the voice of doubt and deprecation, to create from that place of vulnerable connection undeterred by the world telling us there are more important things to be doing (there aren’t), we become who we have always known we are.

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Hope you enjoyed this week’s letter. Please consider sharing it with someone who you think would enjoy it.

See ya soon,

xx Hanna